I had to step back and take a long look at my life and realized something very important. I never stuck to anything very long except writing, and even then, I fall away from time to time, as you can tell from the lack of consistent posts. I, like many of you, have experienced so many set backs and over-come so many obstacles that were in life’s journey and when the dust settles, we are still standing. That has to count for something. I was on a mission to lose weight and become a healthier person. I have not giving up, but some of the choices I have made since I have been back at home with my family have been all the wrong choices financially, and from a healthy stand point.
Last February my sister called me and informed me she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I left my job, wife, and kids to go stay with my sister in the North East for eight months for moral support. I never realize what a mental toll that has taken on me. I eat healthier, I worked out more and lost 61-pounds total. In September my sister informed she is ready to meet the challenges on her own and I could provide moral support over the phone. Especially since I was being over protective and possibly making matters worse because I didn’t want her to over exert herself. Now, looking back I realize it was a mistake. She needed to get back to doing the very things that she was doing before she got sick, just on a lighter scale.
Plus, I needed to get back to my family in Texas. Once I got back, I didn’t have a car, job, and had no actual good income coming in. I eventually found a job with a company that is ok and the pay will help somewhat. However, I realize this is not where I am supposed to be. I wake every morning with a feeling that I am not living up to my full potential and that working for any company at this point is causing me more health issues than I care to elaborate here. With a wife who has falling ill and my health failing, the life line is no longer visible. I know deep down inside I have some serious choices to make. I have to find a balance where I can transition into my own business again and still support my family without having them suffer for my choices.
If it were not for family, the choice will be simple for me. Quit and go for the gusto. However, that is not a choice I can actively afford. It almost feels like being between a rock and a hard place. Having said all that, I believe with every last breath I take, I was meant for greater things. I feel it but don’t see it. I can taste it, but the flavor is undetectable, I can faintly hear it but cannot quite understand it. It’s so close but I cannot not yet reach it.
I write every day in my journal. Thank goodness for being able to look back and see all the things I have felt before and how relatable they are now in my life. I will end this with thanks for taking time out and reading this post. It’s easy to write when things are great in our lives. I believe in letting you in and sharing a part of my life that is not so good. I falter like you, I make mistake, just like you, and sometimes I am conflicted just like you. I am human, just like you. We all over-come and that is the biggest difference from giving up and moving forward.